If Congress Ran The Super Bowl

Americans love sports - it is one of the last vestiges of competition where merit determines outcome. One set of rules, and best person wins.

Congress must hate that.

So enjoy this week’s Super Bowl while you can, before Congress steps in to regulate it. The ACLU will find some 10 year old kid whose mom told her to be offended by players pointing to the heavens after a touchdown, and the nagging will begin about separation of church and state over the public airwaves or some such nonsense.

For starters, they will need to enact affirmative action so that the game is improved through diversity. Quotas for women, disabled, over 50’s, gay, and minorities – oops, no quotas for minorities, that would go the wrong way. Maybe racial quotas for offensive linemen, they seem to be mostly fat white guys - their dads probably got them the jobs.

Next they need to redistribute the wealth - can’t have a “point gap”. How about a tax on touchdowns that takes three points away from the team who earned it and gives it to the team “left behind”. And a field goal tax that puts one point into a strategic reserve trust fund to be used for emergency shortages of scoring – say if Tennessee ever plays Tampa Bay. Except they will raid the trust fund during the season to give some help to Nancy Pelosi's 49ers.

And then they will have to put whole sections of the field off limits to play – somebody will discover a mutant strain of endangered slug in the dirt under the south end zone and we will make the whole red zone on that side a wildlife refuge. Driving for a score towards that endzone? Too bad, get green. Maybe you can build a windmill and blow the ball across the goal line or put a solar panel on it and let it power itself to victory.

You think CEO’s make outrageous salaries - what about Larry Fitzgerald making $40 million, while some blue collar guy has to work two jobs – punting and holding for extra points – just to scrape up a measly $650k league minimum? Raise the minimum wage to $2 million and tax the quarterbacks – there are only 32 of them, so who cares if they vote Libertarian.

Let’s put IRS in charge of the referees, so there can be loopholes and exceptions to every rule. Holding? Claim an exemption if you weigh under 300 pounds; if over 300 pounds, multiply the penalty yardage by .06 times each pound up to 325, then use the Alternative Minimum Penalty. What happened to pass interference? Effective lobbying by National Cornerbacks Association got it written out of the code. The wide receivers' lobbyists are working to put it back.

The game would take quite a bit longer, after each play the democrats and republicans would have to grab the mike and claim credit and/or blame the other, depending on the outcome of the play. Somehow, it will be George W Bush's fault no matter what.

And for the team who loses because they partied the whole night before and didn’t watch game film or practice for two weeks? Bailout.

Won't that be a fun game to watch? Enjoy the game this Sunday while you can.